Wednesday, June 22, 2016

This isnt turning out like I wanted it to...

So when I first started this I wanted it to be a thing where I posted my past experiences.  Of what it's like to grow up without an autism diagnosis.  But holy cow, LIFE is getting in the way of this little project.   Other things are taking up my head space, and this is the first time Ive even looked at this blog since my last post.  So instead Im writing an update of what is going on at the moment.

I have been in tremendous pain, continuous, constant, whatever. All over. Months and months of it. Really it's been years but it was manageable, until around Xmas. And since then my focus on anything is very short because instead I'm dealing with this ache and pain all over my body. I managed to get into a doctor and am now aware that I have Fibromyalgia. Which actually explains a lot. Sort of recently, give or take a year or some months, i honestly dont know... but at some point my sensory issues became so much more pronounced. My focus is off (more than ever), and then there is the Fibro Fog (which is quite literally a fog, everything goes foggy, vision and thoughts)... I had been arguing with myself as to whether or not all this was in my head or if it was just that Im autistic and that my usual difficulties seem more pronounced because I am now in a different place or culture that I am just not used to.  I do think that partly my confusion is due to that change, even though I have been here nearly three years, but my move here to Iceland - my place of birth but I do not know this place AT ALL- has me a complete hermit, I don't go anywhere, I even prefer not to.  When I do go out I have to plan every little detail, I have to be quick, and get back to my safe place. Social anxiety is through  the roof. Just walking the Destructo Beast to school in the mornings, if any person is around Im walking faster to get passed them and hoping they don't look at me because omg just don't look at me.
This past year has basically just been about getting my kids diagnosed and then myself. Getting my life in order, it seems, is taking forever.  When I get to these quiet moments, in between appointments, I wonder what the fuck am I doing with my life?  It has been so ingrained in me while growing up that if I dont fit certain criteria then I am not a real adult. I am not fitting those criteria.  And honestly on my good days those criteria seem so trivial and stupid, but one must have to do certain things to survive in this world, get money to pay bills etc.
At this particular point in my life I am on unemployment, looking for work (actually looking when my social anxiety isnt at its worst, anyway) and going to interviews which stress me the hell out.. and I sit here arguing within myself about how I am lazy and I am this or that, even though I know that it isnt that- I have executive functioning issues. Some days I get shit done. Other days I simply can't. I cannot function on some days. When I do function it takes so much preparation and rest after that takes up so much time I'm lucky to get anything done at all. My head space and energy is used up after I manage to do the things I HAVE to do, the things you do for your kids to make sure they are dressed, fed, and following their routines because they are both Autistic and things just have to be a certain way.  It's a bit easier to push myself to do those things for the kids, thankfully.  I'd be remiss if I wouldnt be able to function well enough to at least make sure my kids are doing well. But it also takes a lot out of me, so I go neglected by myself very often.  I skip my own usual hygienic routine so that I can fit the kids into my schedule. How the fuck am I supposed to juggle them and me? This is what Im working on while Im unemployed.  So for the past six months or so I have been finding a balance at home to make things more harmonious.  I have lists and have to divide tasks up over the course of the week. It doesnt always work that way though because the kids come in like a tornado and ruin what work I have managed to do (cleaning etc.) but I guess that is just like of being a single mom. It is what it is.
A friend on Facebook shared info about an app called Swipes, where you basically make lists and check them off as you go, so I'm giving that a try as well. So far it's been two days of ignoring the notifications of things I have to do while I try to get other things done.  My lists are too long...  So I'm trying to divide them up more.  The usual things I do, dishes etc, are everyday things. Other, larger, tasks are set for once a week or sometimes twice, and we shall see how that goes.  I can try to work my blogs in at some point. Maybe. Because I will go months without writing a single word. And that isnt because I don't have the time. I do. I get so hyper-focused on other things that this blog and my other will go forgotten for long periods of time. Switching from one task to another takes so much work, that once I do get a few things done I have to stop and take a moment, and that moment turns into hours.  I have to work on this.
So I have an appointment tomorrow with the disability rep (or whatever she's called) to talk about my options and where to go from here. I also have to make an appointment (ahhhhh!) with the doc to set up physical therapy and pain management for the Fibro. That doc is on vacation at the moment, so at least I have time to rehearse that particular phone call.  And I have pain meds (for only if its sorely needed because meds make me nervous) if the Fibro becomes unbearable until then. So I'm making a list of what to talk about tomorrow-- how to find work better suited to an Autistic adult such as myself, or do I need to look into disability? Can I go to school and finish getting my degree? How will I fit that into the few short hours I have a day when the kids are at school? What about summer vacation (which the boy started already)? Can I maybe do a bit of each, and how the hell would that work? Is that even possible??  And how can I fit any of that into the routine I have already started working on (which is more of a question for myself)?

Yea. So that is what I'm dealing with at the moment. I was planning to write more about growing up without an Autism diagnosis but life as it is now is a bit much to handle. My focus is on the here and now. BUT now that I have my lists maybe I can work in more writing. Writing, no matter what Im writing about, really does help my mental focus and just my overall well being, I feel so much better when I can put words down and out of my head.  This is my go to communication tool. Verbally I couldnt explain this to anyone. So I have to keep writing, if only to keep my thoughts in order. So that is what I'm going to do.  Until next time, thanks for reading.

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