Lately I have been getting rather irritated by certain things in the "Autism" community. I put quotations around the word Autism because I am not referring to actually autistic people, I am referring to those who claim to speak for us. The doctors and researchers and groups and therapists and other so called professionals that claim to work with autistic people. The idea that they work with us is actually quite laughable, because to me it seems they are working against us in so many ways. And then there are the "autism parents" who are not autistic but use the condition -that is not their own- as their identity somehow while simultaneously yelling at us to stop calling ourselves autistic because we are not our diagnosis. They push person first language and say we are people and yet treat us like we are less than by speaking over us and ignoring/dismissing us when we do try to speak. They push person first language regardless of the fact that the majority of autistic people prefer identity first. And lest we forget, they also use the dismissal tactic of "there are more important things going on than language". I love that one. It's like they don't know us at all and yet claim to be experts. The sheer hypocrisy of it all is absolutely mind blowing. But let's move on from the infuriating language argument, that is still going on today -as we fucking speak- and move onto my next irritability.
Studies that claim to have found this miraculous piece of information about autistic people when if they had actually listened to us in the first place they would already know it. For example: An article in The Guardian titled A Potential Breakthrough In Care Of Children With Autism basically states that if you are understanding of the child and meet them on their level then behaviors improve. Fucking duh. This is something autistic adults have been saying all along. I'm willing to bet that if more of us were actually acknowledged then autism research and services would be more efficient than it is today. This is why we prefer organizations that include us like the Autistic Self Advocacy Network instead of groups that are constantly in search for a cure and refer to us as suffering from autism (cough autism speaks cough).
But, autistic people are such a mystery, yknow a puzzle to be solved, you might say. Well, one way to gain understanding of autistic people, this includes your child, is to ask autistic adults about their experiences. Before you respond with something along the lines of "adults able to communicate can't possibly understand MY child because they are too 'high functioning'," or any variation thereof, do try to keep in mind a few simple facts. One thing, you cannot compare autistic adults to autistic children in ways of skills or ability. Another thing, you can't possibly know a person's struggles through text on the internet. And another, we were once autistic kids, like yours, with more than likely very similar struggles. But the difference between us is rather simple: we grew up. Over the years we gained skills and experiences, we learned things, we got older and eventually found ways to communicate. A very important piece of information is that many of us are also parents of autistic kids. That last one seems to be hard for people to comprehend. Very often when an autistic adult will try to communicate their different opinion on a matter then people respond with "well we are parents and we...." making the very wrong assumption that the individual couldn't possibly be a parent because they are autistic. That, my friends, is called ableism. Always presume competence.
You guys, there is a ton of info out there written by autistic people from all over the spectrum. The best way to learn about a condition is to listen to those who live with it. Because we are looking through the eyes of an autistic person, who better to explain what it's like? Seriously. Autism acceptance month is nearly upon us and I will be contributing by writing about certain things here in my blog. I have a few in the works already and am always open to topic suggestions. Some will be from the perspective of an autistic parent and others will just be information that is real and worthy of sharing. I do hope you stick around to read them.
We are not a mystery, we are not a puzzle to be solved, we are right here and ready for you to listen. All you have to do is ask.
Thanks for reading.
Originally posted on Eluding Atrophy.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
This isnt turning out like I wanted it to...
So when I first started this I wanted it to be a thing where I posted my past experiences. Of what it's like to grow up without an autism diagnosis. But holy cow, LIFE is getting in the way of this little project. Other things are taking up my head space, and this is the first time Ive even looked at this blog since my last post. So instead Im writing an update of what is going on at the moment.
I have been in tremendous pain, continuous, constant, whatever. All over. Months and months of it. Really it's been years but it was manageable, until around Xmas. And since then my focus on anything is very short because instead I'm dealing with this ache and pain all over my body. I managed to get into a doctor and am now aware that I have Fibromyalgia. Which actually explains a lot. Sort of recently, give or take a year or some months, i honestly dont know... but at some point my sensory issues became so much more pronounced. My focus is off (more than ever), and then there is the Fibro Fog (which is quite literally a fog, everything goes foggy, vision and thoughts)... I had been arguing with myself as to whether or not all this was in my head or if it was just that Im autistic and that my usual difficulties seem more pronounced because I am now in a different place or culture that I am just not used to. I do think that partly my confusion is due to that change, even though I have been here nearly three years, but my move here to Iceland - my place of birth but I do not know this place AT ALL- has me a complete hermit, I don't go anywhere, I even prefer not to. When I do go out I have to plan every little detail, I have to be quick, and get back to my safe place. Social anxiety is through the roof. Just walking the Destructo Beast to school in the mornings, if any person is around Im walking faster to get passed them and hoping they don't look at me because omg just don't look at me.
This past year has basically just been about getting my kids diagnosed and then myself. Getting my life in order, it seems, is taking forever. When I get to these quiet moments, in between appointments, I wonder what the fuck am I doing with my life? It has been so ingrained in me while growing up that if I dont fit certain criteria then I am not a real adult. I am not fitting those criteria. And honestly on my good days those criteria seem so trivial and stupid, but one must have to do certain things to survive in this world, get money to pay bills etc.
At this particular point in my life I am on unemployment, looking for work (actually looking when my social anxiety isnt at its worst, anyway) and going to interviews which stress me the hell out.. and I sit here arguing within myself about how I am lazy and I am this or that, even though I know that it isnt that- I have executive functioning issues. Some days I get shit done. Other days I simply can't. I cannot function on some days. When I do function it takes so much preparation and rest after that takes up so much time I'm lucky to get anything done at all. My head space and energy is used up after I manage to do the things I HAVE to do, the things you do for your kids to make sure they are dressed, fed, and following their routines because they are both Autistic and things just have to be a certain way. It's a bit easier to push myself to do those things for the kids, thankfully. I'd be remiss if I wouldnt be able to function well enough to at least make sure my kids are doing well. But it also takes a lot out of me, so I go neglected by myself very often. I skip my own usual hygienic routine so that I can fit the kids into my schedule. How the fuck am I supposed to juggle them and me? This is what Im working on while Im unemployed. So for the past six months or so I have been finding a balance at home to make things more harmonious. I have lists and have to divide tasks up over the course of the week. It doesnt always work that way though because the kids come in like a tornado and ruin what work I have managed to do (cleaning etc.) but I guess that is just like of being a single mom. It is what it is.
A friend on Facebook shared info about an app called Swipes, where you basically make lists and check them off as you go, so I'm giving that a try as well. So far it's been two days of ignoring the notifications of things I have to do while I try to get other things done. My lists are too long... So I'm trying to divide them up more. The usual things I do, dishes etc, are everyday things. Other, larger, tasks are set for once a week or sometimes twice, and we shall see how that goes. I can try to work my blogs in at some point. Maybe. Because I will go months without writing a single word. And that isnt because I don't have the time. I do. I get so hyper-focused on other things that this blog and my other will go forgotten for long periods of time. Switching from one task to another takes so much work, that once I do get a few things done I have to stop and take a moment, and that moment turns into hours. I have to work on this.
So I have an appointment tomorrow with the disability rep (or whatever she's called) to talk about my options and where to go from here. I also have to make an appointment (ahhhhh!) with the doc to set up physical therapy and pain management for the Fibro. That doc is on vacation at the moment, so at least I have time to rehearse that particular phone call. And I have pain meds (for only if its sorely needed because meds make me nervous) if the Fibro becomes unbearable until then. So I'm making a list of what to talk about tomorrow-- how to find work better suited to an Autistic adult such as myself, or do I need to look into disability? Can I go to school and finish getting my degree? How will I fit that into the few short hours I have a day when the kids are at school? What about summer vacation (which the boy started already)? Can I maybe do a bit of each, and how the hell would that work? Is that even possible?? And how can I fit any of that into the routine I have already started working on (which is more of a question for myself)?
Yea. So that is what I'm dealing with at the moment. I was planning to write more about growing up without an Autism diagnosis but life as it is now is a bit much to handle. My focus is on the here and now. BUT now that I have my lists maybe I can work in more writing. Writing, no matter what Im writing about, really does help my mental focus and just my overall well being, I feel so much better when I can put words down and out of my head. This is my go to communication tool. Verbally I couldnt explain this to anyone. So I have to keep writing, if only to keep my thoughts in order. So that is what I'm going to do. Until next time, thanks for reading.
I have been in tremendous pain, continuous, constant, whatever. All over. Months and months of it. Really it's been years but it was manageable, until around Xmas. And since then my focus on anything is very short because instead I'm dealing with this ache and pain all over my body. I managed to get into a doctor and am now aware that I have Fibromyalgia. Which actually explains a lot. Sort of recently, give or take a year or some months, i honestly dont know... but at some point my sensory issues became so much more pronounced. My focus is off (more than ever), and then there is the Fibro Fog (which is quite literally a fog, everything goes foggy, vision and thoughts)... I had been arguing with myself as to whether or not all this was in my head or if it was just that Im autistic and that my usual difficulties seem more pronounced because I am now in a different place or culture that I am just not used to. I do think that partly my confusion is due to that change, even though I have been here nearly three years, but my move here to Iceland - my place of birth but I do not know this place AT ALL- has me a complete hermit, I don't go anywhere, I even prefer not to. When I do go out I have to plan every little detail, I have to be quick, and get back to my safe place. Social anxiety is through the roof. Just walking the Destructo Beast to school in the mornings, if any person is around Im walking faster to get passed them and hoping they don't look at me because omg just don't look at me.
This past year has basically just been about getting my kids diagnosed and then myself. Getting my life in order, it seems, is taking forever. When I get to these quiet moments, in between appointments, I wonder what the fuck am I doing with my life? It has been so ingrained in me while growing up that if I dont fit certain criteria then I am not a real adult. I am not fitting those criteria. And honestly on my good days those criteria seem so trivial and stupid, but one must have to do certain things to survive in this world, get money to pay bills etc.
At this particular point in my life I am on unemployment, looking for work (actually looking when my social anxiety isnt at its worst, anyway) and going to interviews which stress me the hell out.. and I sit here arguing within myself about how I am lazy and I am this or that, even though I know that it isnt that- I have executive functioning issues. Some days I get shit done. Other days I simply can't. I cannot function on some days. When I do function it takes so much preparation and rest after that takes up so much time I'm lucky to get anything done at all. My head space and energy is used up after I manage to do the things I HAVE to do, the things you do for your kids to make sure they are dressed, fed, and following their routines because they are both Autistic and things just have to be a certain way. It's a bit easier to push myself to do those things for the kids, thankfully. I'd be remiss if I wouldnt be able to function well enough to at least make sure my kids are doing well. But it also takes a lot out of me, so I go neglected by myself very often. I skip my own usual hygienic routine so that I can fit the kids into my schedule. How the fuck am I supposed to juggle them and me? This is what Im working on while Im unemployed. So for the past six months or so I have been finding a balance at home to make things more harmonious. I have lists and have to divide tasks up over the course of the week. It doesnt always work that way though because the kids come in like a tornado and ruin what work I have managed to do (cleaning etc.) but I guess that is just like of being a single mom. It is what it is.
A friend on Facebook shared info about an app called Swipes, where you basically make lists and check them off as you go, so I'm giving that a try as well. So far it's been two days of ignoring the notifications of things I have to do while I try to get other things done. My lists are too long... So I'm trying to divide them up more. The usual things I do, dishes etc, are everyday things. Other, larger, tasks are set for once a week or sometimes twice, and we shall see how that goes. I can try to work my blogs in at some point. Maybe. Because I will go months without writing a single word. And that isnt because I don't have the time. I do. I get so hyper-focused on other things that this blog and my other will go forgotten for long periods of time. Switching from one task to another takes so much work, that once I do get a few things done I have to stop and take a moment, and that moment turns into hours. I have to work on this.
So I have an appointment tomorrow with the disability rep (or whatever she's called) to talk about my options and where to go from here. I also have to make an appointment (ahhhhh!) with the doc to set up physical therapy and pain management for the Fibro. That doc is on vacation at the moment, so at least I have time to rehearse that particular phone call. And I have pain meds (for only if its sorely needed because meds make me nervous) if the Fibro becomes unbearable until then. So I'm making a list of what to talk about tomorrow-- how to find work better suited to an Autistic adult such as myself, or do I need to look into disability? Can I go to school and finish getting my degree? How will I fit that into the few short hours I have a day when the kids are at school? What about summer vacation (which the boy started already)? Can I maybe do a bit of each, and how the hell would that work? Is that even possible?? And how can I fit any of that into the routine I have already started working on (which is more of a question for myself)?
Yea. So that is what I'm dealing with at the moment. I was planning to write more about growing up without an Autism diagnosis but life as it is now is a bit much to handle. My focus is on the here and now. BUT now that I have my lists maybe I can work in more writing. Writing, no matter what Im writing about, really does help my mental focus and just my overall well being, I feel so much better when I can put words down and out of my head. This is my go to communication tool. Verbally I couldnt explain this to anyone. So I have to keep writing, if only to keep my thoughts in order. So that is what I'm going to do. Until next time, thanks for reading.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Growing Up Without An Autism Diagnosis Pt 1 -- Socializing
Being that I'm recently diagnosed, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the way I grew up. Many "ohhhhh so that explains it!" moments. I moved around a lot and it was almost like I was numb to all the change, while we know that change is super hard for many autistics, I think after a while you get used to those changes if they happen often enough... or like I did, have a sort of numbness to it all. I never really fit in, I never really understood anyone. I never really cared to either. I think I tried to socialize every now and then but failed miserably.. but it wasn't really an important thing to me as far as I can remember. Things always felt super alien to me, but I always assumed it was because I am Icelandic in a foreign country.. and I decided to own that difference, not just being Icelandic but just being different from everyone else. I have met an Icelander here and there along the way and even they were not much like myself. So at those times I realized it was just me.
Socializing is hard, to put it simply. There are so many unspoken rules and I wonder, is there a class that non autistics go to and I just wasn't invited? Because holy shit. Girl politics is one of the most difficult for me to understand, and that is not for lack of trying either.
When I was around 8 years old or so, I lived in Utah. And because I was from another country there were so many damn questions, I got tired of answering them all. I had no idea that it would reach into adulthood... the stupid questions. Anyway, very often kids would literally circle around me. If I sat down anywhere they gathered around me asking questions. I am not even joking or exaggerating. It was weird and uncomfortable, but at the same time I felt pretty damn special so I went with it. People have always told me things. Like super personal things. I have no idea why. Maybe the fact that I don't talk that much-- I seem to be a good listener (just a guess). I have no idea why, again. I have tried to figure it out, but I think it's just more of that unspoken rule crap. If I was an outspoken person, constantly yammering on about myself others might consider me self centered and not willing to confide in me.... another guess. Because there have been times when I've tried to relate to someone and in so doing I bring up a situation I was in that might seem similar but then suddenly I'm told I am making it about myself when that wasn't what I was trying to do. I have also been way to quick to answer any questions honestly, which also bites me in the ass for years to come. But anyway, I digress.
Let's go ahead and skip to junior high. That is when the socializing becomes increasingly difficult, and popularity becomes important to most. I started noticing the popularity thing around fifth grade but never really gave it that much thought. I tried sometimes to jump into the girl group but Id always say the wrong thing and get a look from all of them.. and then they'd go back to what they were doing. They also didn't notice when I walked away... or maybe they did and were wondering what I was doing there in the first place. IDK. But around that age the girls weren't that bad, really, it wasn't until around seventh grade (when I moved to Germany) that popularity and the social construct of school became painfully obvious... and I was at the bottom. I was not cool. But I wasn't exactly that upset about it. I spent one year in a large school being the not so popular girl, pretty much unnoticed. Then I moved to a smaller school and made friends with the "bad kids". There wasn't as much of that hierarchy in that school. And to this day it was my favorite. But it was also when I saw the ugly side of girl politics, truly, for the first time. I didn't have many female friends, if at all. Most of my friends were guys, I am way too literal and don't give a shit about fashion and hair and whatever the girls gave a crap about. Mostly things were good. But this was also the time when liking boys was a thing for most girls. And if I liked a boy another girl liked she would get her big sister to come bully me about it. Which, by the way, is low as shit. I hope she reads this. You suck, you know who you are. Moving on.
Around this time a bunch of us were put into therapy in school. I talked too much to be in the group therapy and was given one on one time. I think it was mainly because I just didnt know when to stop and let others speak, or I didn't care... I don't know. But I do know that one girl didn't like it and confronted me about it (in group) in a stupid exercise that I thought was a waste of time. I also thought it was weird to be upset by such a thing. Why didn't she just say hey let the rest of us speak, in the damn group session? I would have said oh, sorry. And that would have been it. Why make such a dramatic deal out of it? See these things made no sense to me. Just say what you mean at the time and be done with it. How hard is that?? lol this is my point. Everyone's behavior was a mystery to me. And I began to loathe the evil that is girl politics. Because I caught onto the fact that it was mostly girls who did this sort of thing. Made a big deal out of the strangest things. I know that most of them, or probably all of them, didn't like me. I didn't know why but I also didn't care. Maybe that is why, that I didn't care. High school politics either way never mattered that much to me. If I didn't care about something I couldn't pretend that I did care. I couldn't even try. It was that hard. Like why the hell do you care about what clothes someone else is wearing? WHY do you care why she has her hair like that? Why do you feel like you need to talk about everyone else all the time and make assumptions and rumors and blahhhhh... It was all pointless, trivial, bullshit. At least when hanging out with my guy friends we were doing fun things and laughing and joking about silly stuff. Whenever it was a gaggle of giggly girls it was talking about those very same boys and hair and clothes and omg like totally... ugh. Man I tried... I tried so hard to care about these things. But when I realized I really couldn't, and didn't, I decided to just be myself and like what I like, everyone else be damned. I new I was weird. I knew I was different. I was fine with it. I had weird hair, I wore whatever the hell I wanted, and I talked to whoever the hell I wanted if it came to socializing. At this time I tried alcohol, started smoking cigarettes, and I was basically the ultimate rebel and didn't give a fuck about anything. (Having trouble at home, long story, wont go into, tends to make you want to rebel I think)
After that, we moved to Arkansas. I really did NOT want to go there. I expected horse buggies and cowboy hats. Seriously. End of eighth grade, we moved to a small town in Southern Arkansas. Me with my jet black hair, undercut, pale as a ghost, jnco jeans... yea. At first people were scared to talk to me since my resting bitch face was strong and I looked probably like the weirdest thing they'd ever seen. When the initial shock of such a strange creature entering their school wore off I became the talk of the school (or so other kids told me) and so many had so many STUPID questions about Iceland it was unreal. I couldn't believe it. Does Iceland have electricity? Do you live in igloos? Do you hunt polar bears...? Now I never could tell if people were joking. But they just HAD to be joking, right? The questions just got worse. My brother got the idea to internet and show them what Iceland looks like to stop the questions. Why didn't I think of that? Ugh. Anyhoo...
9-12th grade was a little rough at times. Basically I became the devil worshiping lesbian whore and whatever else the kids could come up with. I wasn't very pleasant. But I never really tried to be. At that point I didn't care at all what people thought of me. But I did get into a few altercations, mostly confrontations with talking involved and I never did do so well with that. My brain would just scatter. I would have preferred to just fight them. When it came to talking, nope. So that is when I started writing. It also got me into trouble because I got the bright idea of putting my thoughts to paper and giving it to the object of my anger... which usually put me in the counselors office. One time a fight did happen.. well sort of. Again that sort of fugue state took hold and while I didn't know what to do next it had nothing to do with any emotion. I wasn't scared or even mad... it was just odd. It was like I wasn't even in my body anymore. I was never hit, the teacher did stop that from happening.. but I did swing once and I missed the person and hit the teacher. Not my finest moment. Still in this weird state, things moving rather slowly, I remember someone thanking me for not fighting (a student)... but I was suspended anyway. I spent the next four days at home just not doing anything. Sitting in my room listening to music. This is when I started to be more withdrawn. At home I stayed in my room, music blasting, I didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. I think around the age of 16 or so my parents sat me down and asked me if I was gay because I never had any boyfriends. I didn't care about that, anyway, but I couldn't answer them because I didn't know what I was. It was kind of funny though, honestly. And awkward. Incredibly awkward because like I was going to tell my parents that shit.
I did find myself in situations, usually with boys, that I didn't know how I got into in the first place, but apparently I had given hints that I never gave and boom there I am in a position which I did not want to be in. Being friends with the bad kids also I guess didn't help matters much. But I could be myself around these people. They didn't give a shit, they were weird too. I went to a lot of parties and did a lot of drinking. I think had I not, I never would have "socialized" with anyone ever. I had basically free range on the weekend as a teen. I left on Friday and came home on Sunday. Usually amazed that I was still alive or that I wasn't in jail. There weren't many boundaries around that time, but if ever my parents would try to enforce some boundaries or rules that weren't the norm it never went well. I internalized it all, my brother reacted differently... but his isn't my story to tell. Let's just stick to me. Mostly I would internalize it and put it in writing. Expressing myself or my emotions at all was incredibly hard. I had a LOT of violent destructive meltdowns at that age but mostly it involved destroying my own stuff and feeling like shit about it afterward. I always said the wrong thing at the wrong time, blurted out things that were TMI or made others uncomfortable. I was known as the crazy one among those who knew me well enough for me to actually talk to. I was vulgar (still am) and didn't give a fuck. In class I was the withdrawn, quiet one. The teachers pretty much thought I was an angel. Whenever that was brought up in front of the class everyone would disagree. If I wasn't known by them personally, they had all heard something about me to indicate I was no angel. I was fine with that. The reputation I had wasn't perfect, but it did keep others away sometimes. I had one friend, a best friend, the only person I've ever known to have such an easy friendship with (back then anyway). The only female I really connected with, in some way. While I never did connect with anyone, not really, at least with this one individual I could be myself, had things in common with, and vice versa. We heard a lot of things like you look like sisters etc. from other people around that time.
When I was recently diagnosed she informed me that she knew, ever since we met, that I had trouble understanding emotion among other things, so the dx made perfect sense. And she is right, it makes perfect sense. I look back at my life and realize so many things that I went through or put myself into were because of my misunderstandings of the socializing aspect of every day life. I got into fights, arguments, confrontations for misunderstandings alone. I didn't know what boundaries were where. I didn't understand why people reacted to things the way that they did because I never reacted at all to begin with. I couldn't place myself in anyone's shoes and I thought trivial conversation was complete bullshit. I never hid my distaste for things that other people liked. I never pretended to like someone that I didn't. Whenever I heard a new rumor about me I was so surprised by them and had no idea how anyone had come to that conclusion. Who knows, maybe there was a reason, maybe I made people think these things, but I wasn't aware of how. Many read into things I said that simply weren't there. And I never bothered explaining they were wrong, either. Had I known these unspoken rules of social stuffs, things might have been different, maybe... but there is nothing to be done about it now.
So that is just when I was younger. I have plenty more to talk about when I reached adulthood.. but that is for another post. At this point I think I will end this here, it has gotten rather long and I believe I rambled way too much. I feel like I may have been too honest as well but oh well, it is what it is.
Thanks for reading.
Socializing is hard, to put it simply. There are so many unspoken rules and I wonder, is there a class that non autistics go to and I just wasn't invited? Because holy shit. Girl politics is one of the most difficult for me to understand, and that is not for lack of trying either.
When I was around 8 years old or so, I lived in Utah. And because I was from another country there were so many damn questions, I got tired of answering them all. I had no idea that it would reach into adulthood... the stupid questions. Anyway, very often kids would literally circle around me. If I sat down anywhere they gathered around me asking questions. I am not even joking or exaggerating. It was weird and uncomfortable, but at the same time I felt pretty damn special so I went with it. People have always told me things. Like super personal things. I have no idea why. Maybe the fact that I don't talk that much-- I seem to be a good listener (just a guess). I have no idea why, again. I have tried to figure it out, but I think it's just more of that unspoken rule crap. If I was an outspoken person, constantly yammering on about myself others might consider me self centered and not willing to confide in me.... another guess. Because there have been times when I've tried to relate to someone and in so doing I bring up a situation I was in that might seem similar but then suddenly I'm told I am making it about myself when that wasn't what I was trying to do. I have also been way to quick to answer any questions honestly, which also bites me in the ass for years to come. But anyway, I digress.
Let's go ahead and skip to junior high. That is when the socializing becomes increasingly difficult, and popularity becomes important to most. I started noticing the popularity thing around fifth grade but never really gave it that much thought. I tried sometimes to jump into the girl group but Id always say the wrong thing and get a look from all of them.. and then they'd go back to what they were doing. They also didn't notice when I walked away... or maybe they did and were wondering what I was doing there in the first place. IDK. But around that age the girls weren't that bad, really, it wasn't until around seventh grade (when I moved to Germany) that popularity and the social construct of school became painfully obvious... and I was at the bottom. I was not cool. But I wasn't exactly that upset about it. I spent one year in a large school being the not so popular girl, pretty much unnoticed. Then I moved to a smaller school and made friends with the "bad kids". There wasn't as much of that hierarchy in that school. And to this day it was my favorite. But it was also when I saw the ugly side of girl politics, truly, for the first time. I didn't have many female friends, if at all. Most of my friends were guys, I am way too literal and don't give a shit about fashion and hair and whatever the girls gave a crap about. Mostly things were good. But this was also the time when liking boys was a thing for most girls. And if I liked a boy another girl liked she would get her big sister to come bully me about it. Which, by the way, is low as shit. I hope she reads this. You suck, you know who you are. Moving on.
Around this time a bunch of us were put into therapy in school. I talked too much to be in the group therapy and was given one on one time. I think it was mainly because I just didnt know when to stop and let others speak, or I didn't care... I don't know. But I do know that one girl didn't like it and confronted me about it (in group) in a stupid exercise that I thought was a waste of time. I also thought it was weird to be upset by such a thing. Why didn't she just say hey let the rest of us speak, in the damn group session? I would have said oh, sorry. And that would have been it. Why make such a dramatic deal out of it? See these things made no sense to me. Just say what you mean at the time and be done with it. How hard is that?? lol this is my point. Everyone's behavior was a mystery to me. And I began to loathe the evil that is girl politics. Because I caught onto the fact that it was mostly girls who did this sort of thing. Made a big deal out of the strangest things. I know that most of them, or probably all of them, didn't like me. I didn't know why but I also didn't care. Maybe that is why, that I didn't care. High school politics either way never mattered that much to me. If I didn't care about something I couldn't pretend that I did care. I couldn't even try. It was that hard. Like why the hell do you care about what clothes someone else is wearing? WHY do you care why she has her hair like that? Why do you feel like you need to talk about everyone else all the time and make assumptions and rumors and blahhhhh... It was all pointless, trivial, bullshit. At least when hanging out with my guy friends we were doing fun things and laughing and joking about silly stuff. Whenever it was a gaggle of giggly girls it was talking about those very same boys and hair and clothes and omg like totally... ugh. Man I tried... I tried so hard to care about these things. But when I realized I really couldn't, and didn't, I decided to just be myself and like what I like, everyone else be damned. I new I was weird. I knew I was different. I was fine with it. I had weird hair, I wore whatever the hell I wanted, and I talked to whoever the hell I wanted if it came to socializing. At this time I tried alcohol, started smoking cigarettes, and I was basically the ultimate rebel and didn't give a fuck about anything. (Having trouble at home, long story, wont go into, tends to make you want to rebel I think)
After that, we moved to Arkansas. I really did NOT want to go there. I expected horse buggies and cowboy hats. Seriously. End of eighth grade, we moved to a small town in Southern Arkansas. Me with my jet black hair, undercut, pale as a ghost, jnco jeans... yea. At first people were scared to talk to me since my resting bitch face was strong and I looked probably like the weirdest thing they'd ever seen. When the initial shock of such a strange creature entering their school wore off I became the talk of the school (or so other kids told me) and so many had so many STUPID questions about Iceland it was unreal. I couldn't believe it. Does Iceland have electricity? Do you live in igloos? Do you hunt polar bears...? Now I never could tell if people were joking. But they just HAD to be joking, right? The questions just got worse. My brother got the idea to internet and show them what Iceland looks like to stop the questions. Why didn't I think of that? Ugh. Anyhoo...
9-12th grade was a little rough at times. Basically I became the devil worshiping lesbian whore and whatever else the kids could come up with. I wasn't very pleasant. But I never really tried to be. At that point I didn't care at all what people thought of me. But I did get into a few altercations, mostly confrontations with talking involved and I never did do so well with that. My brain would just scatter. I would have preferred to just fight them. When it came to talking, nope. So that is when I started writing. It also got me into trouble because I got the bright idea of putting my thoughts to paper and giving it to the object of my anger... which usually put me in the counselors office. One time a fight did happen.. well sort of. Again that sort of fugue state took hold and while I didn't know what to do next it had nothing to do with any emotion. I wasn't scared or even mad... it was just odd. It was like I wasn't even in my body anymore. I was never hit, the teacher did stop that from happening.. but I did swing once and I missed the person and hit the teacher. Not my finest moment. Still in this weird state, things moving rather slowly, I remember someone thanking me for not fighting (a student)... but I was suspended anyway. I spent the next four days at home just not doing anything. Sitting in my room listening to music. This is when I started to be more withdrawn. At home I stayed in my room, music blasting, I didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. I think around the age of 16 or so my parents sat me down and asked me if I was gay because I never had any boyfriends. I didn't care about that, anyway, but I couldn't answer them because I didn't know what I was. It was kind of funny though, honestly. And awkward. Incredibly awkward because like I was going to tell my parents that shit.
I did find myself in situations, usually with boys, that I didn't know how I got into in the first place, but apparently I had given hints that I never gave and boom there I am in a position which I did not want to be in. Being friends with the bad kids also I guess didn't help matters much. But I could be myself around these people. They didn't give a shit, they were weird too. I went to a lot of parties and did a lot of drinking. I think had I not, I never would have "socialized" with anyone ever. I had basically free range on the weekend as a teen. I left on Friday and came home on Sunday. Usually amazed that I was still alive or that I wasn't in jail. There weren't many boundaries around that time, but if ever my parents would try to enforce some boundaries or rules that weren't the norm it never went well. I internalized it all, my brother reacted differently... but his isn't my story to tell. Let's just stick to me. Mostly I would internalize it and put it in writing. Expressing myself or my emotions at all was incredibly hard. I had a LOT of violent destructive meltdowns at that age but mostly it involved destroying my own stuff and feeling like shit about it afterward. I always said the wrong thing at the wrong time, blurted out things that were TMI or made others uncomfortable. I was known as the crazy one among those who knew me well enough for me to actually talk to. I was vulgar (still am) and didn't give a fuck. In class I was the withdrawn, quiet one. The teachers pretty much thought I was an angel. Whenever that was brought up in front of the class everyone would disagree. If I wasn't known by them personally, they had all heard something about me to indicate I was no angel. I was fine with that. The reputation I had wasn't perfect, but it did keep others away sometimes. I had one friend, a best friend, the only person I've ever known to have such an easy friendship with (back then anyway). The only female I really connected with, in some way. While I never did connect with anyone, not really, at least with this one individual I could be myself, had things in common with, and vice versa. We heard a lot of things like you look like sisters etc. from other people around that time.
When I was recently diagnosed she informed me that she knew, ever since we met, that I had trouble understanding emotion among other things, so the dx made perfect sense. And she is right, it makes perfect sense. I look back at my life and realize so many things that I went through or put myself into were because of my misunderstandings of the socializing aspect of every day life. I got into fights, arguments, confrontations for misunderstandings alone. I didn't know what boundaries were where. I didn't understand why people reacted to things the way that they did because I never reacted at all to begin with. I couldn't place myself in anyone's shoes and I thought trivial conversation was complete bullshit. I never hid my distaste for things that other people liked. I never pretended to like someone that I didn't. Whenever I heard a new rumor about me I was so surprised by them and had no idea how anyone had come to that conclusion. Who knows, maybe there was a reason, maybe I made people think these things, but I wasn't aware of how. Many read into things I said that simply weren't there. And I never bothered explaining they were wrong, either. Had I known these unspoken rules of social stuffs, things might have been different, maybe... but there is nothing to be done about it now.
So that is just when I was younger. I have plenty more to talk about when I reached adulthood.. but that is for another post. At this point I think I will end this here, it has gotten rather long and I believe I rambled way too much. I feel like I may have been too honest as well but oh well, it is what it is.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Introduction
I like word play. Sometimes I cannot come up with a title at all and sit there staring at the screen drawing a blank.... but every now and then I will come up with something pretty cool, at least in my own eyes.
Discordant Existence. I like it. It basically sums up my life in two words. The way I have bumbled through it. Always feeling out of tune with the harmony that is the typical world. I use the term harmony loosely of course, this world is chaotic at times, but in a sense it is perfect when one considers the societal norms, the harmonious existence of those who find socializing so damn easy. I'm not one of those people. My entire life I have felt out of place, on another wavelength, never really a part of anything. That is not for lack of trying, believe me, but that will be explained further in another post.
For now we start with the introduction of yours truly.
I am a single mother of two awesome kids. One is male, nearly eleven years old, no cool nickname has come to mind for that one. The other is female, four years old, I lovingly dubbed her the Destructo Beast. Both are Autistic. I may, or may not, go into detail as to their upbringing, but I have this inclination to not want to share too much about them. I respect their privacy too much. If I feel something they have experienced is pertinent to anything I am writing I may divulge, however I cannot do so fully, since I am not looking through their eyes. I can speculate, at most, and relate in some ways. I will be doing my best to not share anything embarrassing, for I wouldn't want anything shared about me that might make me feel that way.
I'm hoping that by sharing my experiences it can be helpful for others, or at least something someone -somewhere- can relate to on some level. And while some posts may be a bit high strung or emotional, I can at least guarantee that they will be real. Hard times, good times, random shit that comes to mind. Stuff like that. It wont be only about Autism but it will be all about me, the Autistic adult trying to survive in this typical world. The day to day and things long past. Coming to terms with the new diagnosis of Autism and what it was like without it, and the more I think about my life the more my past is explained.
This isn't my first blog, I've been writing on Wordpress for more than six years and I just cannot part with it, it has changed over time according to what I have been dealing with. This particular blog is something of an experiment, and if it goes well I will keep it. You are more than welcome to check out my other one-- Eluding Atrophy -- if you so desire. This past year it has been mostly Autism related. Before that, well if you dare to look, it gets pretty hectic, I had a lot of drama in my life, some of which I may regale you with in future posts.
Perhaps I should also add a bit of a disclaimer, my language use can be quite colorful, dirty words and all that. Just sayin'.
Until my next post... thanks for reading. Abrupt stop for dramatic affect. Have a good one.
Discordant Existence. I like it. It basically sums up my life in two words. The way I have bumbled through it. Always feeling out of tune with the harmony that is the typical world. I use the term harmony loosely of course, this world is chaotic at times, but in a sense it is perfect when one considers the societal norms, the harmonious existence of those who find socializing so damn easy. I'm not one of those people. My entire life I have felt out of place, on another wavelength, never really a part of anything. That is not for lack of trying, believe me, but that will be explained further in another post.
For now we start with the introduction of yours truly.
I am a single mother of two awesome kids. One is male, nearly eleven years old, no cool nickname has come to mind for that one. The other is female, four years old, I lovingly dubbed her the Destructo Beast. Both are Autistic. I may, or may not, go into detail as to their upbringing, but I have this inclination to not want to share too much about them. I respect their privacy too much. If I feel something they have experienced is pertinent to anything I am writing I may divulge, however I cannot do so fully, since I am not looking through their eyes. I can speculate, at most, and relate in some ways. I will be doing my best to not share anything embarrassing, for I wouldn't want anything shared about me that might make me feel that way.
I'm hoping that by sharing my experiences it can be helpful for others, or at least something someone -somewhere- can relate to on some level. And while some posts may be a bit high strung or emotional, I can at least guarantee that they will be real. Hard times, good times, random shit that comes to mind. Stuff like that. It wont be only about Autism but it will be all about me, the Autistic adult trying to survive in this typical world. The day to day and things long past. Coming to terms with the new diagnosis of Autism and what it was like without it, and the more I think about my life the more my past is explained.
This isn't my first blog, I've been writing on Wordpress for more than six years and I just cannot part with it, it has changed over time according to what I have been dealing with. This particular blog is something of an experiment, and if it goes well I will keep it. You are more than welcome to check out my other one-- Eluding Atrophy -- if you so desire. This past year it has been mostly Autism related. Before that, well if you dare to look, it gets pretty hectic, I had a lot of drama in my life, some of which I may regale you with in future posts.
Perhaps I should also add a bit of a disclaimer, my language use can be quite colorful, dirty words and all that. Just sayin'.
Until my next post... thanks for reading. Abrupt stop for dramatic affect. Have a good one.
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